Just Do It.

Just do it.


Nike had something here.


I have been on a blog hiatus for quite some time and I know it's time to come back. (I worry about this though and it keeps me from writing).


Since we last left off, I had become a legit career gal and lived a mover-and-shaker life in customer service and sales working for a national medical corporation (who knew?).  Eleven months later, I left my mover-and-shaker position and took a giant 
L
  E
    A
       P
         of faith.
(well more like baby steps, little by little, until the door opened enough to walk through to the next door and the next).


I now know what it's like to be an 8 to 5'er, do expense reports, weekly sales reports, host inservices and "make the sale."  But you know what?  My heart was dead doing it.  Don't get me wrong,  I loved the people, but at the end of the day my heart just wasn't in what I was selling.  I wanted to tell more God stories, hear more God stories, write more God stories.  And guess what?  He prepared the way...  


Part-time job. Check.
Book editor. Check.
Soul care clients. Check.
Community to stand with me. Check.


Life is funny. You never know what's around the bend? But I find in the midst of daily life, God's purposes are going forth.  He is moving, directing, guiding...the thing of it is though (and oh how very aware this job made me) the everyday grind and energy that moves us often has very little of His Spirit present.  


I shut out the very One I'm longing for...Christ's life inside me and around me.


Each day for work as I made my way up the Cuesta Grade in my car I tried to focus my heart on God: pray, worship, reflect, but inevitably my "get 'er done, efficiency is supreme" side began to rule out the kingdom space I was trying to make room for.  The flesh goes against the spirit. The spirit of this world is active and real, colluding with my old nature to steal His life in me.   


Never, than in this job position, had I been so aware of what I'm up against.  Daily life in this world threatens to steal the LIFE of God in me.  And God knows I need LIFE! 


So I'm inviting you to ask the same questions I'm asking myself:

Will I risk believing there is more to LIFE than the daily grind?  

Will I be the one who moves in a different direction than the many?

The one who doesn't race off to the next thing and stops to listen?

The one who drives slower present to her surroundings rather than frazzled and furious darting in and out muttering, "Drive people!" 

So I wonder?  Now that I've created more room to be still, be present, be creative, be available...will I be?  I want to be.  Need to be. But will I choose it?  Believe there's a new life and way available to me in the everyday. That the spirit of this world, the flesh, and the enemy no longer get the final say.  Will I slow down to even stop, recognize, and see the LIFE available?  Stop to pause and reflect, confess, and realign myself with Christ and His Kingdom? 


I don't know. (It's the truth).


But I want to be.


Jesus I need more. Shepherd me into this new life you felt worth dying for?  Please don't let me settle.  Teach me to anticipate, trust, and depend on Your involvement.  Come Lord. Come.
Amen.

Book Ended in 2010

It is December 31st, one day before the New Year.


A time to remember.


Maybe try to forget.


I think a little of both.


A duplicitous time (and I think I am not alone).


Last year recovering from my back injury, I stumbled upon a book by Donald Miller called A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I finished it in a few days.  It helped lift me out of circumstance and pain to the greater story being written through the pages of my life.  


I didn't know what lay ahead, I only knew his words lifted me up and renewed hope allowing it to expand within...


Inhale, 
     big breathe outward....
     
      THE BALLOON OF  H  O  P  E  GROWS.


Dreams were allowed room to stretch out, expand their horizons, and take a few more steps forward.


Desires seemed right there for the taking while at the same time just beyond reach.


Steps into new territory taken, yet the outcome quite different from the expectation.


Like I said, duplicitous.


And maybe I need to nestle into that reality (maybe we all do). Realizing it is all happening at the same time. the both/and, the IS. And in the midst something beautiful, mysterious, good IS happening but from a realm and a kingdom we have yet to understand.


This morning I lingered in bed well past eleven o'clock flipping through the pages of Anne Jackson's Permission to Speak Freely and once again I'm disrupted...


Reminded.


Renewed.


Another traveler willing to share deeply from within the pages being written in her story. And somehow, and in some mystical way, it gives me permission to live mine more fully and step into it with deeper faith.


And I am grateful.


Grateful for those who have had the courage to tell their stories and prodded me to more fully live in mine.


Inhale.....


     Deep Breathe.....


        Whhhhhhhhhoooooooooosssssshhhhhhhhh........


H O P E.


     F A I T H.


         E X P AN D I N G.


I don't now how God has book ended your year? Whether it's been an author's words, a relationship, an unexpected heartache, the fruition of a long sought after dream...I'm trusting with you (and for me) that something beautiful is unfolding (even, and perhaps most especially when we don't see it).


Hello 2011, we welcome you!

Beautiful Discomfort

Things have been, well, hard.


Yesterday I texted a friend, which forced me to put it into words, "I feel hard hit on every side."  Which reminded me of another place I heard those words, "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." Paul writes this to the Corinthian church normalizing their experience.  But he doesn't stop there (the gospel never stops there) rather he offers kingdom perspective.


Do you hear the H O P E in Paul's words?


⁶For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness,"^[a]made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.
 ⁷But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. ⁸We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. ¹⁰We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.¹¹For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.¹²So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
 ¹³It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken."^[b]With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, ¹⁴because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence.¹⁵All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.


He's letting us know, "Yes, yes, this IS kingdom life.  Not easy, the same 'life' experiences everyone else has...BUT Jesus, his life, his good news, his hope, his vision, his presence, THAT, that carries you through. His life will come...do you believe?"


And you know what?  In times like this I'm not sure I really do.


Two years ago when I said "Yes Lord" to leaving full-time ministry, my home, community, and life as I knew it in Orange County, I had NO IDEA what i was signing up for?  I knew a couple things: 1) I needed to know what it was like to work and get paid a wage and 2) to see if "Susie full time minister" was the same as "Susie, on her own with no one telling her what to think and believe" would be one and the same.  


And that's about all I knew.  I got a job with Starbucks, moved to SLO, and became a nanny "until a full time job emerged."  


And then a year and a half into it the unexpected happened, not a job, rather an injury.  


At 6am Thanksgiving morning I turned in bed and WHAM, my back went out.  Excruciating pain and discomfort followed.


A long story short I went on disability for a month, resigned from nannying, and entered 2010 going, "WHAT?"


What just happened?  What now?


Nannying made things work here?  


No nannying=just getting by $


I could go on but that's not the point, it's just the backdrop.


In the midst of it all (and on my good days) I see God fighting for something beautiful in me.  Like He's saying, "Susie, don't forget the greater story.  Don't forget our plans together.  Don't let the crisis rule but let my kingdom come."


See, I get all panicky, fearful, the "fix me, fix this mess" false gospel rules and I miss it.  Rather, I miss Him.


"Honey, what's changed?  I have been and always will be your provider."


And it seems these discomforts beckon me. And, well, expose me.  


Who or what am I really trusting in?  Who do I think I need to become to earn comfort and care?  All my false narratives and lies show their ugly face... and sweet grace meets me.


"None of this is new to me.  I see it all, Beloved.  I just long for you to know me in this, to see me as I really am, not as your lies and distortions tell you. My life is available to you.  Yes, even here."


I am hard pressed on every side, but learning the beautiful discomfort of trusting Jesus with all of me. Amidst something I deem "a mess," he perhaps sees as an invitation to trust.  Trusting in a kingdom that is not like this earth, where dreams often take longer to be fulfilled but are better than we could ever hope for or imagine (Hebrews 11). Where money doesn't always feel abundant, but provision comes with unexpected graces and bounty.  Where new life is being birthed amidst unforeseen difficulties and uncertainties (my niece is set for arrival this week).


And again love beckons me...trust.  With eyes not of this world, but a heart that believes I AM.


  

I didn't write a blog...

I had a blog in mind but I won't get to it today...
Instead, I got to talk with a friend.
One of my bestest friend's.
Fear and self-doubt were my companions, until her call.
Chattering away in my mind, beckoning me to stay.
Until she rang.
One in whom Christ dwells.
Confession, prayer, surrender, renewed hope.
A clearing, amidst the fog.
A companion on the journey.
A reminder of grace and speaker of truth.
Thank you friend.

New Territory

Today I went on a walk just like any other day.

I do it to balance my mind, exercise my wonky back, and b r e a t h e.

But today there was an increased awareness as I walked.

Move in a new direction.

Not the same ol', same ol'.

Why not journey out?

And it got me thinking...why do I like to go the same route almost every single day?

I do love Murray Street with its Southern-like trees, the beautifully restored homes of Broad, and the little nooks and crannies of Lincoln.

Yet it's all so . . . predictable.

Beautiful.

Enjoyable.

But familiar.

Chartered.

Which got me thinking...walk a different way and see where it takes you.

Not predictable.

Different.

Unfamiliar.

Exciting.

I know it seems silly, just a little walk.

But I've learned enough of how this Kingdom Life works to know there are parables, stories of sorts, unfolding everywhere (if we open an ear to listen).

And today, I think I did it!

I ventured out.

I saw new homes.

Unexpected sites.

Mundane little things.

And special new spots.

And I thought, safety has her place but adventure is what I long for.

Unchartered beauty, lessons, and graces.

Entering new territory, encountering types of home.

Unchartered land.

New winding paths to discover.

Ahhh...sweet surrender, I'm learning to like you more.

The Maze

Muddled.

Messy.

Inadequate.

Afraid.

How can you use a girl like me?

I feel so desperate,

for more of Thee.

A maze of souls,

I walk through blind,

to seeing the path,

You want me to find.

I hit a wall,

and turn around,

“I should have known,”

a contemptuous frown.

But what if the wall

was part of the plan?

to redirect

and hold your hand?

To give up

and let go,

to figuring out

what only you can know?

Participation; not getting it right.

Learning and growing

as we wade through souls,

Whose transformation

only You can hold.

Designer of the maze,

O can’t you see?

the bushes and vines

that entangle me?

Chop them away,

cut them through,

(or perhaps they’re part

of Your plan too?)

Just, please, release me

to follow You.

Meet me at the walls,

dead ends,

and turns,

Guide me through,

The One Who Sees,

As I hold Your hand . . .

The end.

An opening

A new direction to go . . .

Muddled.

Still messy.

Inadequate for sure.

But Love giving me courage

to help me see,

“Inadequate yes,

but Beloved My love

transforms thee.”

The Gospel according to Cassidy & Chris

I just spent a week away with my niece and nephew in Tahoe. Now I LOVE Tahoe. It's majestic there. Vast mountains, crystal clear waters, pine scent wafting everywhere.

But what I really love is it affords me 7 whole days with my niece and nephew.

Priceless.

I often think on times away like this, God arranges little events and moments to create a parable of sorts for me to really "get it." The way He sees, feels, and loves me.

On the trip, my nephew Chris kept creating little adventurous scenarios for us, "Auntie Sue....the shadooooows. The GIANT," grabbing his red flashlight in tow and my hand we scurry off to find the giant and destroy him...together. He wants me to come along but what he really wants is to be the hero and save me.

My niece Cassidy has a delightful curiosity and such a kind disposition about her you can't help but want to bottle her up. Seriously. I could use a dose of her awe, wonder, and joyful delight every now and then (ok hourly).

When I walk in the room it seems there is this boundless delight of, "Suuuuuuuuuuuusie....oh (cuddle, cuddle)." It never gets old. All I want to do is get away with her and enter her world, regardless of what that involves: watching Toy Story II (once, twice, ok 7 times!), playing a game, swimming for hours in the pool, even sleeping...I just want to be with her. See how she's experiencing her world--What she likes. What she doesn't. Things she's excited about. Afraid of.

It's rather mysterious and mundane the whole exchange. Like something in me realizes on one level this is about an auntie with her niece and nephew having fun, but on another level a significant kingdom transference is taking place.

The vertical relationship takes me up to the horizontal...Ohhhhhh, this is what YOU feel, Lord. This is how you see us. And how much you long for me to "just be" with you, share my life with you, and know how much I'm loved.

And I miss it.

A lot.

You long to sit with me. Listen to me. Talk to me. Share in it with me.

All those feelings I feel towards those kiddos. The generosity in my heart to give to them abundantly (and when I don't, like telling them it's time for bed, it's because I think it's best for them). The delight when each decides to spend time with me or wants me to share in something their doing. The gift of getting to watch them learn and grow.

You feel those things toward me.

It never ceases to astound me.

Probably because I so often get it wrong. I miss his generous, gracious, simple devotion to sharing life with me. I am so caught up in "Do you have a job for me? Where is this story going? Tell me what's next." I miss the Giver. He's got it taken care of--my focus on the urgent, keeps me from the now...Him. Not only does he see my urgent, He's got it taken care of...everything that's His is mine...and how much he longs for me to curl up in his lap and believe it."

"A father is delighted when his little one, leaving off her toys and friends, runs to him and climbs into his arms. As he holds his little one close to him, he cares little whether the child is looking around, her attention flitting from one thing to another, or just settling down to sleep. Essentially the child is choosing to be with her father, confident of the love, the care, the security that is hers in those arms. Our prayer is much like that. We settle down in our Father's arms, in his loving hands. Our mind, our thoughts, our imagination may flit about here and there; we might even fall asleep; but essentially we are choosing for this time to remain intimately with our Father, giving ourselves to him, receiving his love and care, letting him enjoy us as he will. It is very simple prayer. It is very childlike prayer. It is prayer that opens us out to all the delights of the kingdom." (Brennen Manning, Ragamuffin Gospel)

"I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst." (John 6:35)

God & Disneyland

Here's a little 'sneak peak' at a section that may or may not make it into the book, Sacred Offering: The Gift of a Woman's Vulnerability.

Being vulnerable does not mean being passive. It means keeping the posture of our heart open, pliable, and resilient to the path of faith. I often want the Lord to grab my hand, point his finger and say, “this way, now, go!” While there have been times in my life he has loved me this way by making the decision for me (well, almost because the direction was that obvious), but often he simply asks me to choose. The more I mature in this journey of faith I see that he tends to relate with me over things, call me forth, and invite me to come with him into new places.

Sometimes I create so much angst and confusion over decisions I forget God has given me the dignity of choice. He lets me choose. He enjoys me moving out and trusting him. It’s when I try to control and keep things safe that he seems to correct me.

One day I was pondering yet another decision I needed to make and needed Patti’s sage advice once more. She had just returned from a fun filled day with her granddaughter to Disneyland. “Susie it’s like me and Ashton today at Disneyland. We had so much fun together. My part was to take her to Disneyland. I knew we’d have a great time and all the fun things we could do there together. But it was up to her once we were there to decide where the day takes us. She got to choose what Disneyland would be for her. Of course I told her about It’s a Small World, the princesses, the fairy tale rides, but she decided where we went together. Disneyland was my gift to her; she got to decide what we did once we were there. That is free will. And I loved sharing every minute of it with her!”

When I was in 5^th grade my best friend Kay May took me to Disneyland. I had never been with anyone other than my family so I was used to our way of doing Disneyland. We had our routine and our rides that we prioritized getting on. About the most dangerous was Pirates of the Caribbean. I loved that ride! “Yo, ho, yo, ho, the pirates life for me...” My favorite part was when the “freaky skull guy” starts talking about the danger we’re entering and it gets dark and eerily quiet and then......whew-hew! SPLASH! Down the hill we go, not just one, but two! So fun! Then things slow down and we’re invited into the pirate’s life. Now I love this ride, I could ride it over and over again. But what I didn’t know was that there was a ride called Space Mountain.

Apparently adventure didn’t end with Pirate’s, Kay May and her family began a direct b-line to a place I’d never been, Space Mountain. The line wrapped around which gave me plenty of time to reconsider what the heck I was doing. I didn’t know this one, and once we got inside, it was dark, a strange space odyssey. I couldn’t help but notice all the exits throughout. Ummm...maybe I could make a mad dash?! Kay May and her family could go and I could wait at the end. Ya, that would be ok. But I noticed those in line had such a sense of anticipation and excitement for the ride. What did they know? I waited in that line.

And waited.

And we got closer.

And closer.

“How many?”

“Two.”

“Front or back?”

“Uh...front.”

I pulled the bar down, checked and double-checked it held me securely. It was dark ahead. Unknown. Where were we going? I didn’t know the twists and turns on this ride, I didn’t know the story unfolding like I knew Pirates and this left me fearful, but kind of excited. It was new, different. I was safely strapped in, my friends were sharing in it with me, and the worst that could happen is I could decide I don’t like it and never do it again.

The Disney controller gave us a wave and we were off!

Shining lights, steep hills. And wooosh...adventure!

I was giddy: laughing, screaming, hands up, hand down, my hair flying behind me.

That day I discovered my new favorite ride. Space Mountain.

I think God is ok with us choosing the It’s a Small World’s, Peter Pan’s, and Parade’s, that would make for a really nice day at the park. But there are times when we feel the nudge, that it’s time for the bigger rides, the less certain ones, the ones that require a letting go of the familiar, the Space Mountains of the faith. And once we’ve gone on that ride, we realize new parks awaiting us, the Magic Mountains and Knott’s Berry Farms, places of new and foreign terrain. Our heart skips a beat once again, the unfamiliar before us, yet we know the One who is with us the whole way through. The One who knows where we’re going together, gives us choices as we travel, but promises to stay near and guide as we wage the path ahead.