I'm sick.
Hacking cough, mack truck slammed up against my head, loopy thinking, hours of sleeping--sick.
Hidden away in my room, pajamas and covers, sleep and t.v., sleep and t.v., and all I can think is what am I missing? What should I be doing? Life passing by, nothing happening, sleep and t.v., sleep ad t.v.
Her words last week echo in my mind, "Sand between your toes." Truth offered in the space. The heart space I ignore, the heart space I dread. She is speaking of Jesus' invitation to me to slow down and come away with Him. Offering life words of hope and peace, that I am not alone in the desert heritage where Christ asks his Beloved to pull away with Him.
And a week later, I am sick. Sickness reveals, I still think it's up to me, making it all happen. My impatience stealing, sucking the life. Yet the hacking cough, the need for rest and comfort reveal a new way, a new nature being beckoned forth, the way of dependence.
Trusting, waiting, being, ALL IS WELL.
"Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest."
Rest.
Resting in His Being.
Resting in His Life.
Resting in His ways.
I slip on the covers, grab my Halls, and turn off the computer.
Time to rest.
4 comments:
Me too! I've been down for the count since Friday. It's now Tuesday. A mack truck still sits on my head; engine revving hot.
At first the pain was too intense, and required such groaning on my part, that I could not even think of giving ear to the despicable old thoughts the enemy was sneaking into my head.
But as the pain has dulled I realize those ancient, broken thoughts have taken root and are attempting to grow. So, I have spent the better part of this day trying to hear G-d as my battle plan. And what have I heard?
"I want to tear down old foundations and lay new ones. I want you to learn at a deeper level to walk in My power and not your own. I want to heal all those broken, abused places - much more deeply than they have been. I want you freer - freer to experience Me."
How do I feel at hearing this? Overwhelmed. I'm 48, I have two beautiful, red headed, strong willed, brilliant teen age girls to raise. I have a husband with whom I still need to learn how to relate - deeply. I have dear friends and spiritual community I want to not just serve with my hands, but to whom I want to open my heart. Well, I want to want to. It all seems too much. I try so hard - at everything. What else can I do? How in the world do I open myself up to You more? What am I to do? I know, I know ...the right question is: Who am I to be? What does that even mean apart from doing?
How long will this recovery road take? I have been to Dan Allender for help with the wounds from the violent childhood trauma. I have had amazing counselors. I have been to SOZO healing prayer. My hubby gives me cutting edge neurofeedback. I pray in the Spirit. I even hear Him - sometimes. Heck, I have a Master's in Psych and did counseling myself once upon a time. It ain't about knowledge. I know that. Tee hee hee.
Yes, God has been transforming me. And yet, I still struggle deeply. And when illness hits and my usual defenses are low, something deep within me rises. Something that wants to come out, apparently. To be cried out, really. And yet, when my defenses are up, I can't seem to cry. But I can now. I have most all day; with great sorrow about how much has been lost in my life. About what shaky foundations I have and how I feel inept in my closest of relationships.
So, let this sickness not be wasted! Let this not be marked up to mere physical illness. No, let this be a revelation of old stones in the foundation crying out for repair. May I learn how, or if I'm just too sick right now to learn, let me just be rendered unable to stop myself from opening up to the Rebuilder of ancient ruins, the Restorer of places long devastated.
Pain, you will be my portal to a much deeper healing, and not a mere pitiable circumstance. And not because of my power to talk myself into you being so. You will be so because I am trusting that the One who specializes in Divine Reversals has a vested interest in me entrusting everything in my life to Him. So there, despicable pain-giver. You lose.
Thank you, G-d, for having Susie, get sick and post her post ... just for me. Make her pain serve her soul deeply, please.
Hope you'll recover very soon... Seems half the folks I know are down with something... Get well, Susie.
LeeAnn,
You offered some beautiful things to me from your heart. I too have heard that voice that beckons me out of hiding but also at times wondered "how deep does the rabbit hole go? more?" yet i cling to the truth that He is good and can only do good, so I choose to walk into greater depths and the unknown.
I almost didn't write a blog today but now I am glad I did. Happy the Spirit had you meander this way and it touched something He is pressing into...
Keep in touch and thanks for the encouragement sister.
Susie
I'm sorry both of you have been so sick. I hope and pray you will both soon be well again and maybe slow down your pace of life for a while to help your immune systems get stronger.
Love,
Susie's mum
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