Dancing Lights

i sit at the bench. warm air caressing me and sunlight radiating my face.  this is a familiar space, a bench i've gone to a handful of times on those days where the beach beckons me.


i sit with hope, sorrow, confusion, angst, desire, questions....my normal companions.  as i nestle into the wood frame, only myself and the solitude and silence that sit down as well, i wiggle.  loneliness reminds me life is not as it should be and i was created for more. temptation challenges me to go and do something to make it go away.


i sit, squirmy.


the sun beaming down over me and the lovely breeze rushing by invite me to settle in.


sit for a while.


the vast pacific reminding me of beauty, art, design, forethought, creativity, pleasure...all for us.


invited in to beauty.  painted sky and rushing waves...in and out, in and out the ocean's dance flows in her rhythm.


a runner scurries by.


two friends chatter and her dog barks.


the man caresses his pregnant wife's hair.


another lays out his lawn chair.


the waves come, and the brezze wooshes by, and the sun beams his brilliant light.


and i see.


i hear.


i taste the life.


a light show before me.  unexpected fireworks and sparkly delights.


the people drown out, the vast beauty of creation narrows, and all i can focus in on is the dancing wonders.


flicker, flicker.  jumping from here to there.  in and out, in and out with the waves current.


my sparkly wonders.


the sun's sparkly wonders.


i can't take my eyes away, zeroed in on the playful dance before me.


the sun shines bright and the reflection joyously flutters about.


celestial glitter.  flickers of wonder. reflections of the sun.


i feel like someone sneaking in on a party, longingly wanting to play too.


my heart tugs and i see.


i have been invited.  the kingdom dance is happening all around me.  i get to play.  i am not alone.  each flickering light comes and goes, shines and goes away again, each resplendent capturing a different angle of the sun.


i cannot NOT see now, light all around me.  enveloped by the sun.  sharing in the flickering lights.


come and play.




That's what baptism into the life of Jesus means. When we are lowered into the water, it is like the burial of Jesus; when we are raised up out of the water, it is like the resurrection of Jesus. Each of us is raised into a light-filled world by ourFather so that we can see where we're going in our new grace-sovereign country.
Romans 6:2-4 


So, my very dear friends, don't get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures.
James 1:15-17

Advent Week II: Prepare

"Preparation is a statement of faith. It's committing to trust even though you're hurting and heartsick." 


I'm heartsick because I know the kingdom is now but the challenges and heartache in this world of brokeness and sin are real.  I am homesick.  We are homesick. 
  
I read this tonight in an online post about this week of advent. A time when we are invited to reflect on preparation, preparing our hearts for the coming Messiah.  This the same day my daily Bible reading, Hebrews 11, points to the saints before me reminding me of trusting when I do not see.  Trust like Abraham who "by faith, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going." (Hebrews 11:8).
How true this feels.  How often are You, O Lord, asking me to walk into the unknown. So many unchartered places of my heart and relational territory you ask me to tenderly trust you with when I do not know what's ahead only that by faith you ask me to walk.


My heart expanded as I read more thinking of the lineage of faithful and I was struck that, "All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them from a distance."  (Hebrews 11:13)
How often my heart expands to hope and delights in the tastes I have here of heaven, but forgive me dear Jesus when I cling too tightly to what I've touched and don't place it back in your hands. May I trust that what you give me from your hand moment by moment, day by day is enough.  That the various ways you choose to uniquely expand my heart to love will ever keep me living by faith trusting in the Giver, the One who sees what I often do not.


There's something about this lineage of saints that draws my heart upward, invites me into a much grander, vast narrative for my life.  That the themes in my life and various territory my heart must venture are preparing for me an eternal glory I can hardly grasp.  By faith some of it will be ventured now, yet much, much more is intended to be fully realized later.
Lord will I trust in what you give me now and venture where you ask me to go? Or will I distrust the way you bring about your promises and clamor to find what I deem a safer path? That I may choose faith....


And so this week of Advent, I am pressing in to the One who prepares the way, who tells the best story, who calls forth hope, cultivates my heart through patience and steps of obedience, and beckons me to trust in His fullness of time, the sovereign and majestic ways He chooses to get glory from my life deciding the where, whens, and whys.
O dear Jesus, when I don't see, when my heart waits, when your voice seems faint, when I'm tempted to doubt, will you yet still draw me near?  How in need I am of your touch, how much more of your grace.  Lord I pray that one day it will be said, "That because of Christ, in faith, Susie, when God tested her, walked with her Savior and was sure of what she hoped for and certain of what she did not see, trusting that God had planned something better so that only together with all the saints would she be made perfect."

Little by Little

When I was thirteen I went to a junior high school dance. This event was a big deal: It was HALLOWEEN.


For the Shaw Family, Halloween is no small occasion.  Much to my mum's chagrin her kids never were simpletons when it came to dressing up.  This particular year, I decided I would be Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz.  Now the dress itself I found in my closet, but the shoes... The glitter shoes at the Paylesses of the world would simply not do, the shoes must be the creme de la resistance!    


Thus, we gathered glue and sequins from the local craft store, pulled out my old pair of tap shoes, and the journey of 1000 sequins began. One by one by one....day by day after school I plopped myself on the couch and the glitter party began.


And eventually, after much perseverance and persistence, they were finished!


I braided my hair, put on my dress, applied a smidge of rouge and lipstick, and   stepped into my sparkling delights.


I met up with my friends at Lakeview Junior High and we danced the night away.  With every roger rabbit and running man (: little by little the glittering wonders began to fall, one by one by one....


The dance ended and the ruby slippers were no more.


But what a great memory and, oh, how I loved those ruby slippers.  Then it hit me....as the dress came off and the make-up was wiped away... there were no pictures!? No memento to capture the journey of the slippers.


Halloweens came and went. Year after year, I found other fun characters to play dress up in. But....but there was something about those slippers...

I think little by little throughout my adolescent and young adult years I tried to reapply those sequins in vain. Sparkling parts of myself that felt like they'd fallen off or my circumstances seemed to tell me they had. Not sure when, or how, or why exactly only that something lost its glimmer along the way.  

But I'm realizing more and more the parts I thought were the most sparkling parts about me were a false luster.  Artificial. The closer you got the faker you saw it was.  So I'd keep you at a distance so you wouldn't see what I saw deep down.

But here's the thing, once the sequins fall (and oh how they have fallen), all you see is what's bare, underneath.  And that's when the magic begins to happen.   

So, this year when Halloween neared the slippers beckoned.


Only this time, the young girl who for years only wanted to be pretty characters felt permission to be ugly, wonderfully wicked, and have some fun. 

The magic of restoration, reconstruction, redemption.  That little by little, in the everyday moments of my life, there are possibilities. The small and not so small things are being transformed with the hope of redemption.  That I get to participate in a life that doesn't settle for the artificial but trusts that the good and genuine can happen, is happening, even when the sparkle feels like its lost her luster.  


God is good and He is the creator of all good things.  I don't need to offer just a pretty package anymore. The magic of the slippers is that I come just as I am, bare, and the One whom I've given the ugly parts of myself to readorns.


He, little by little, day by day, is sealing on me a glory and splendor not of this world. A sheen, like the slippers, that glimmers and shines pointing others to the way home.

God Reality is Good (but hard)

I wrestle.
God is good.  He is good all the time. All the time He is good.
I sing about this in church, pray it with others, yet I wrestle.


I feel like there has been weeks of soaring--high in the sky being carried by His wings. Then, there are days, sometimes weeks, where it feels like I fell off. 
If I'm honest more like I was dropped.


My heart starts to feel disrupted and confused as h o p e expands and gets bigger and bigger and then 
P O P, the circumstance or unfolding reality goes topsy turvy. 


My faith....wains.
And I wonder, where did I go?  The girl who just days ago was in awe of God's kindness, involvement, and care?  And it's hard. Harder than I ever thought cause I don't like what I'm seeing.  And I don't like what I think He may be asking.


It is then that I see.
See where my faith wandered and what I started to trust in.
An outcome I wanted.
A result that didn't come to fruition.
New territory I'm asked to walk in a very old struggle and it all feels too much.


And it is here, here, that He beckons, "Will you trust me? Trust me even here, yet again, that I am good. Will you trust I am guiding your heart to the Promiseland, and it is good. Good in a Kingdom way you have yet to understand?"


And you know what?  I want to understand it all, have answers, and then step.  But Jesus never let's me figure it all out. He asks for my heart, not my cerebral, conceptual head. Faith always requires stepping, then more unfolding, then stepping again.  Trusting the goodness of His life is somehow redeeming and transforming mine at each bend and new step.


God reality.  Seeing with e y e s  W I D E   o p e n.  No longer hiding. No longer pretending.  Stepping into the unknown and trusting (rather learning to trust) in the depths... 


GOD IS GOOD.  He is good all the time.  All the time He is good.

Just Do It.

Just do it.


Nike had something here.


I have been on a blog hiatus for quite some time and I know it's time to come back. (I worry about this though and it keeps me from writing).


Since we last left off, I had become a legit career gal and lived a mover-and-shaker life in customer service and sales working for a national medical corporation (who knew?).  Eleven months later, I left my mover-and-shaker position and took a giant 
L
  E
    A
       P
         of faith.
(well more like baby steps, little by little, until the door opened enough to walk through to the next door and the next).


I now know what it's like to be an 8 to 5'er, do expense reports, weekly sales reports, host inservices and "make the sale."  But you know what?  My heart was dead doing it.  Don't get me wrong,  I loved the people, but at the end of the day my heart just wasn't in what I was selling.  I wanted to tell more God stories, hear more God stories, write more God stories.  And guess what?  He prepared the way...  


Part-time job. Check.
Book editor. Check.
Soul care clients. Check.
Community to stand with me. Check.


Life is funny. You never know what's around the bend? But I find in the midst of daily life, God's purposes are going forth.  He is moving, directing, guiding...the thing of it is though (and oh how very aware this job made me) the everyday grind and energy that moves us often has very little of His Spirit present.  


I shut out the very One I'm longing for...Christ's life inside me and around me.


Each day for work as I made my way up the Cuesta Grade in my car I tried to focus my heart on God: pray, worship, reflect, but inevitably my "get 'er done, efficiency is supreme" side began to rule out the kingdom space I was trying to make room for.  The flesh goes against the spirit. The spirit of this world is active and real, colluding with my old nature to steal His life in me.   


Never, than in this job position, had I been so aware of what I'm up against.  Daily life in this world threatens to steal the LIFE of God in me.  And God knows I need LIFE! 


So I'm inviting you to ask the same questions I'm asking myself:

Will I risk believing there is more to LIFE than the daily grind?  

Will I be the one who moves in a different direction than the many?

The one who doesn't race off to the next thing and stops to listen?

The one who drives slower present to her surroundings rather than frazzled and furious darting in and out muttering, "Drive people!" 

So I wonder?  Now that I've created more room to be still, be present, be creative, be available...will I be?  I want to be.  Need to be. But will I choose it?  Believe there's a new life and way available to me in the everyday. That the spirit of this world, the flesh, and the enemy no longer get the final say.  Will I slow down to even stop, recognize, and see the LIFE available?  Stop to pause and reflect, confess, and realign myself with Christ and His Kingdom? 


I don't know. (It's the truth).


But I want to be.


Jesus I need more. Shepherd me into this new life you felt worth dying for?  Please don't let me settle.  Teach me to anticipate, trust, and depend on Your involvement.  Come Lord. Come.
Amen.

Book Ended in 2010

It is December 31st, one day before the New Year.


A time to remember.


Maybe try to forget.


I think a little of both.


A duplicitous time (and I think I am not alone).


Last year recovering from my back injury, I stumbled upon a book by Donald Miller called A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I finished it in a few days.  It helped lift me out of circumstance and pain to the greater story being written through the pages of my life.  


I didn't know what lay ahead, I only knew his words lifted me up and renewed hope allowing it to expand within...


Inhale, 
     big breathe outward....
     
      THE BALLOON OF  H  O  P  E  GROWS.


Dreams were allowed room to stretch out, expand their horizons, and take a few more steps forward.


Desires seemed right there for the taking while at the same time just beyond reach.


Steps into new territory taken, yet the outcome quite different from the expectation.


Like I said, duplicitous.


And maybe I need to nestle into that reality (maybe we all do). Realizing it is all happening at the same time. the both/and, the IS. And in the midst something beautiful, mysterious, good IS happening but from a realm and a kingdom we have yet to understand.


This morning I lingered in bed well past eleven o'clock flipping through the pages of Anne Jackson's Permission to Speak Freely and once again I'm disrupted...


Reminded.


Renewed.


Another traveler willing to share deeply from within the pages being written in her story. And somehow, and in some mystical way, it gives me permission to live mine more fully and step into it with deeper faith.


And I am grateful.


Grateful for those who have had the courage to tell their stories and prodded me to more fully live in mine.


Inhale.....


     Deep Breathe.....


        Whhhhhhhhhoooooooooosssssshhhhhhhhh........


H O P E.


     F A I T H.


         E X P AN D I N G.


I don't now how God has book ended your year? Whether it's been an author's words, a relationship, an unexpected heartache, the fruition of a long sought after dream...I'm trusting with you (and for me) that something beautiful is unfolding (even, and perhaps most especially when we don't see it).


Hello 2011, we welcome you!

Unexpected Turns

I have sensed since January God's movement in my life to share more of my story. Like I've said before, the best way I know how to do this is my book and the speaking opportunities that may come from it (and of course the day in day out opportunities life affords me).  


Last week I heard my marching orders yet again. Therefore, I decided to post the first chapter online through a video series (people, that was vulnerable! I actually scheduled it to post and then unscheduled it because of the thoughts pervading my mind--was this for His glory or mine?  What future author would tell the story rather than sell the story?  I wanted to know where this was going if I shared?  He wanted me to have faith in the unknown).  


In the end, I decided to post anyway.  


And I'm glad I did. Somehow my stuff being "out there" moved something "in here" (insert Susie circling heart region).


It made it REAL.


The possibilities REAL.


The story REAL.


And you, fellow travelers on this faith journey, REAL.


And now I face an impasse on the road. What is the next step in telling His story in me?


I never set out to write a book, yet God burned this message in me. First and foremost for me, but like we know, God always multiplies His fruit beyond what we could ever imagine! (It's especially hard to believe good will come when we're in the thick of it...when He's pruning rather painfully to produce it).


And so, alas, this week I find myself pondering--Lord, how do I steward this message? Where are we in the unveiling process?  (and it is quite a process as He builds my character to sustain His entrustment).


I have had some really helpful and positive feedback from agents on my manuscript. Honestly I was giddy inside that they even thought I could write.  I love their valuable insights and ability to create a better product.  It seems I could never forge this path without a mighty team of people. 


And yet, yet....


I find myself asking (quite unexpectedly) is this my route? I guess I just always assumed it was...write a book + find an agent + land a publishing house = book produced. What I'm learning (HUGE learning curve people!) is the publishing industry is much more in flux than that....social media, technology, ebooks, personal networks...the tide is shifting. Is it my time to shift as well?


Yes, I would like the affirmation and attention the traditional route affords me, not to mention the collaborative opportunities. BUT this will take years to build---I'm guessing I'll need roughly 5000 people following me on twitter or interested in hearing me speak before I'd be considered by a publishing house (this is just a guess based on my research).


And so I'm left pondering....is there a new route opening up?


Perhaps unexpected but right for me.  


Self-publishing.


Putting "her" out there and letting it ride (however things unfold).


It's a new way of thinking about it, and I'm still not sure, but you know what? It makes me excited!


Excited because I can hit the road running (make my revisions, get an editor, design the cover, pick a self-publishing production house and get her out there to you!).  It also requires me to believe ultimately in the message of our story--that His story is enough--His life in me--not the accolades of agents and publishers. (I am not saying this is bad for others whatsoever, I'm just curious about what He may have for me given my story and what he's in the process of redeeming).


I don't know? These are my most recent musings about "her".  


What do you think?

Beautiful Discomfort

Things have been, well, hard.


Yesterday I texted a friend, which forced me to put it into words, "I feel hard hit on every side."  Which reminded me of another place I heard those words, "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." Paul writes this to the Corinthian church normalizing their experience.  But he doesn't stop there (the gospel never stops there) rather he offers kingdom perspective.


Do you hear the H O P E in Paul's words?


⁶For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness,"^[a]made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.
 ⁷But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. ⁸We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. ¹⁰We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.¹¹For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.¹²So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
 ¹³It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken."^[b]With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, ¹⁴because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence.¹⁵All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.


He's letting us know, "Yes, yes, this IS kingdom life.  Not easy, the same 'life' experiences everyone else has...BUT Jesus, his life, his good news, his hope, his vision, his presence, THAT, that carries you through. His life will come...do you believe?"


And you know what?  In times like this I'm not sure I really do.


Two years ago when I said "Yes Lord" to leaving full-time ministry, my home, community, and life as I knew it in Orange County, I had NO IDEA what i was signing up for?  I knew a couple things: 1) I needed to know what it was like to work and get paid a wage and 2) to see if "Susie full time minister" was the same as "Susie, on her own with no one telling her what to think and believe" would be one and the same.  


And that's about all I knew.  I got a job with Starbucks, moved to SLO, and became a nanny "until a full time job emerged."  


And then a year and a half into it the unexpected happened, not a job, rather an injury.  


At 6am Thanksgiving morning I turned in bed and WHAM, my back went out.  Excruciating pain and discomfort followed.


A long story short I went on disability for a month, resigned from nannying, and entered 2010 going, "WHAT?"


What just happened?  What now?


Nannying made things work here?  


No nannying=just getting by $


I could go on but that's not the point, it's just the backdrop.


In the midst of it all (and on my good days) I see God fighting for something beautiful in me.  Like He's saying, "Susie, don't forget the greater story.  Don't forget our plans together.  Don't let the crisis rule but let my kingdom come."


See, I get all panicky, fearful, the "fix me, fix this mess" false gospel rules and I miss it.  Rather, I miss Him.


"Honey, what's changed?  I have been and always will be your provider."


And it seems these discomforts beckon me. And, well, expose me.  


Who or what am I really trusting in?  Who do I think I need to become to earn comfort and care?  All my false narratives and lies show their ugly face... and sweet grace meets me.


"None of this is new to me.  I see it all, Beloved.  I just long for you to know me in this, to see me as I really am, not as your lies and distortions tell you. My life is available to you.  Yes, even here."


I am hard pressed on every side, but learning the beautiful discomfort of trusting Jesus with all of me. Amidst something I deem "a mess," he perhaps sees as an invitation to trust.  Trusting in a kingdom that is not like this earth, where dreams often take longer to be fulfilled but are better than we could ever hope for or imagine (Hebrews 11). Where money doesn't always feel abundant, but provision comes with unexpected graces and bounty.  Where new life is being birthed amidst unforeseen difficulties and uncertainties (my niece is set for arrival this week).


And again love beckons me...trust.  With eyes not of this world, but a heart that believes I AM.


  

New Territory

Today I went on a walk just like any other day.

I do it to balance my mind, exercise my wonky back, and b r e a t h e.

But today there was an increased awareness as I walked.

Move in a new direction.

Not the same ol', same ol'.

Why not journey out?

And it got me thinking...why do I like to go the same route almost every single day?

I do love Murray Street with its Southern-like trees, the beautifully restored homes of Broad, and the little nooks and crannies of Lincoln.

Yet it's all so . . . predictable.

Beautiful.

Enjoyable.

But familiar.

Chartered.

Which got me thinking...walk a different way and see where it takes you.

Not predictable.

Different.

Unfamiliar.

Exciting.

I know it seems silly, just a little walk.

But I've learned enough of how this Kingdom Life works to know there are parables, stories of sorts, unfolding everywhere (if we open an ear to listen).

And today, I think I did it!

I ventured out.

I saw new homes.

Unexpected sites.

Mundane little things.

And special new spots.

And I thought, safety has her place but adventure is what I long for.

Unchartered beauty, lessons, and graces.

Entering new territory, encountering types of home.

Unchartered land.

New winding paths to discover.

Ahhh...sweet surrender, I'm learning to like you more.

The Gospel according to Cassidy & Chris

I just spent a week away with my niece and nephew in Tahoe. Now I LOVE Tahoe. It's majestic there. Vast mountains, crystal clear waters, pine scent wafting everywhere.

But what I really love is it affords me 7 whole days with my niece and nephew.

Priceless.

I often think on times away like this, God arranges little events and moments to create a parable of sorts for me to really "get it." The way He sees, feels, and loves me.

On the trip, my nephew Chris kept creating little adventurous scenarios for us, "Auntie Sue....the shadooooows. The GIANT," grabbing his red flashlight in tow and my hand we scurry off to find the giant and destroy him...together. He wants me to come along but what he really wants is to be the hero and save me.

My niece Cassidy has a delightful curiosity and such a kind disposition about her you can't help but want to bottle her up. Seriously. I could use a dose of her awe, wonder, and joyful delight every now and then (ok hourly).

When I walk in the room it seems there is this boundless delight of, "Suuuuuuuuuuuusie....oh (cuddle, cuddle)." It never gets old. All I want to do is get away with her and enter her world, regardless of what that involves: watching Toy Story II (once, twice, ok 7 times!), playing a game, swimming for hours in the pool, even sleeping...I just want to be with her. See how she's experiencing her world--What she likes. What she doesn't. Things she's excited about. Afraid of.

It's rather mysterious and mundane the whole exchange. Like something in me realizes on one level this is about an auntie with her niece and nephew having fun, but on another level a significant kingdom transference is taking place.

The vertical relationship takes me up to the horizontal...Ohhhhhh, this is what YOU feel, Lord. This is how you see us. And how much you long for me to "just be" with you, share my life with you, and know how much I'm loved.

And I miss it.

A lot.

You long to sit with me. Listen to me. Talk to me. Share in it with me.

All those feelings I feel towards those kiddos. The generosity in my heart to give to them abundantly (and when I don't, like telling them it's time for bed, it's because I think it's best for them). The delight when each decides to spend time with me or wants me to share in something their doing. The gift of getting to watch them learn and grow.

You feel those things toward me.

It never ceases to astound me.

Probably because I so often get it wrong. I miss his generous, gracious, simple devotion to sharing life with me. I am so caught up in "Do you have a job for me? Where is this story going? Tell me what's next." I miss the Giver. He's got it taken care of--my focus on the urgent, keeps me from the now...Him. Not only does he see my urgent, He's got it taken care of...everything that's His is mine...and how much he longs for me to curl up in his lap and believe it."

"A father is delighted when his little one, leaving off her toys and friends, runs to him and climbs into his arms. As he holds his little one close to him, he cares little whether the child is looking around, her attention flitting from one thing to another, or just settling down to sleep. Essentially the child is choosing to be with her father, confident of the love, the care, the security that is hers in those arms. Our prayer is much like that. We settle down in our Father's arms, in his loving hands. Our mind, our thoughts, our imagination may flit about here and there; we might even fall asleep; but essentially we are choosing for this time to remain intimately with our Father, giving ourselves to him, receiving his love and care, letting him enjoy us as he will. It is very simple prayer. It is very childlike prayer. It is prayer that opens us out to all the delights of the kingdom." (Brennen Manning, Ragamuffin Gospel)

"I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst." (John 6:35)