Girl at the Mirror

          There is a Norman Rockwell painting called “Girl at the Mirror”  A girl, no more than 12 stares into a mirror with a magazine laid perched upon her lap, an Old Hollywood starlet flaps open. There she sits, on her little stool, staring quizzically at her reflection. Her doll, now an afterthought, lays crumpled against the mirrors edge.  Red lipstick, a brush and comb, and some jewelry lay scattered about the floor.  Her tender face says it all, so vulnerable and uncertain, “Am I ok? Do you like what you see?  Will it be enough to hold your attention?” When I look at her, I see my face, my questions, my uncertainties about what it all means to transition from who I once thought I was into this new woman Christ is making me to be

  My internal uncertainty has been around as long as I can remember.  How many times have I stared into that mirror and asked?   

          My little eight year old frame makes her way into the bathroom, gently closing the door and locking it behind her.   oh how i loved to play dress up, experiment with make up and try perfume cocktails of various kinds.  the bathroom held a plethora of beautification possibilities.  my secret space where i could stare, create, and recreate me.  i don’t know what it was about the power of a hairbrush and pony tail ring but somehow it seemed in my little mind the key opening a world of transformation possibilities of transformation.  but this day my partially wavy, partially straight hair won’t do anything. Scowling, I yank open the drawer fumbling around trying to find my bristly round brush (the one like moms).  I try it again.  And again.  Why can’t I get it to look the way I want?  Yank, yank, tug, tug.  The tears start to come. Determination sets in: This will work!   Pull. Tug.  More tears and anger rise up.  Why can’t I make this work?  My little fingers begin to pull and yank again this time attempting to untie the pony tail ring that has become a tangled mess.  Why does it have to be so hard?  Why can’t I get this right?  I’ve had it.  I’ve failed.  And I want this whole fiasco to be over.  I fumble around the drawer and find them.  My answer.  My little fingers tuck into the holes and begin to cut.  snip. snip.  a locket of my hair falls to the floor.

Defeat.

Trying so hard to make it right. 

At eight.

Eight?  

Even now, almost thirty years later, I stare into my reflection from the window.  Watching cars go by one by one, anguish sets in, as I stare avoiding the computer keys in front of me.  What do I possibly have to say to you that matters? How is this even interesting?   

Yank, yank. 

Tug. tug.

Will I ever get there? Who is this woman in the window staring back at me? I cannot begin to talk about authenticity unless I’m willing to face myself.  But how can I ever do this when there’s been years of hatred, judgement, and contempt.  Nice veneer, covering over a tangled mess. tugging and yanking, Unless I look into the mirror of his response........

       Who's reflection am I looking at to tell me my worth? (confession)

       How would things shift I were to look in the reflection of my Savior's response? (contemplation)

       What does he say? (scripture, listening prayer)

Friday Arts: Sanctus Real, Get's Real

Today's featured artists are the band Sanctus Real. I was introduced to them through Mocha Club.  I do some volunteering for Mocha Club every now and then and it just so happens Sanctus Real has been one of the sponsoring artists at both events.

This fall at their show, out of all the songs they performed from their new album,

my heart did a double take when the lead singer, Matt Hammitt, introduced the song "Lead Me."  His vulnerability and courage were refreshing as he shared about his own struggles and sin as a husband and father.  He modeled true strength as he openly confessed his weakness and told a story so many relate with.  

Music not only transports us and articulates the human soul in a way few things can but it has the ability to call something greater forth in us....Sanctus Real did this with "Lead Me."  

What I love about the song is the picture it paints of a wife's tender strength in calling her husband out of hiding believing he has what it takes to lead her and the family.

Lovely and powerful!

Listen in and enjoy.  Have a great Friday! (I'll paste the lyrics below).  

Air 1 - Sanctus Real "Lead Me" LIVE from Air 1 Radio on Vimeo.

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

The Father's Day Blog I Didn't at First Want to Write (but did anyway)

I've felt a blog brewing in me but haven't wanted to write it. It's because it involves being single. I don't want to be "the singleness blogger." But there are things to be said, wrestled with, and embraced and so I guess, for now, I'm your gal. (Well, for today and the topic...smile.)

This weekend we celebrate Father's Day.

I love my dad. After last weeks scare (48 hours in the hospital with intestinal problems), it only surfaced all the more my ever-growing love for my Dad: His strength, consistency, presence, provision, advice, humor, warm heart, 'live it up' way of life and love, and how he has impacted my life in so, so many ways.

Which is why, on weeks like these, I wonder, "What must it be like not to have a Dad?"

To grow up without an everyday masculine presence? Did you know that a man, by his mere 'being' has impact. What I mean by this is, a man by his very presence in the room changes things.

Truly.

There was actually a study (which I wish I could remember to site) that showed the impact of a man's physical presence or lack thereof in a little girl's life and how on a biological level it influenced her hormonal balance.

Seriously.

Men, your presence matters!

Fathers, your physical presence (let alone your psychological and emotional presence) has impact.

So what does this have to do with singleness? How do the two issues go hand in hand? Well, it's got me wondering. . .

How does the lack of a father's mere presence growing up (let alone relational and emotional support) effect men's ability to pursue good women these days? How do their internal demons and insecurities related to being fatherless effect the way they are able to pursue, believing they have something good to offer us?

Now I know there are a myriad of reasons for why folks are still single. And it's not just fatherlessness. But I have to wonder if this isn't a significant part of the reason for the vast singleness were experiencing in my generation, the former and the prior?

I know so many outstanding, rather stunning, godly women who are waiting, praying, and left just a little bewildered as to why they aren't getting asked out and pursued more.

What I'm left wondering, as I watch this play out in my own life and the lives of many others, is if this is another symptom of the Masculinity Crisis?

Maybe I'm just trying to make sense of it all and put together the mixxed puzzle pieces that is my dating life?

However reality is, there is an entire generation of fatherless men who have not seen pursuit, commitment, responsibility let alone experienced it being called forth in them. So why wouldn't it follow that some are left rather mystified as to how they would ever pursue let alone commit to a woman they thought "too good for me"?

Which is why I'd like to dedicate this post to all you mentors out there. Those who are fathering the fatherless and calling forth boys to become men.

I believe you are:

CHANGING THE STORY.

SHIFTING THE CLIMATE.

RESTORING THE PAST.

BUILDING A NEW FUTURE.

INFLUENCING GENERATIONS.

The story is being rewritten...

It may not feel like it every day or each meeting, but you are modeling H O P E that their stories can be rewritten and that there is a Father who's Presence changes things, everything.

And because I believe God is in the business of rewriting stories and redeeming things, the very worst things, I'm left wondering how he wants to show us the truths of "Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven" as it relates to these current issues?

What if God is turning it around?

The wicked ways the enemy has attacked marriage and the family.

The lies the enemy has ingrained in fatherless children's hearts and the father's who left them.

What if he restores things?

Really makes beauty from ashes.

Infuses his life, healing, and hope into these little boys and young men's hearts?

What if he uses older men to "retell" young men their stories? Which makes them feel differently about where they've been, who they are, and where they will go?

And while healing takes time and strong men may be emerging a little later in life, truth is this may be the very thing that changes the face of the family in the 21st century.

Think of the depth and strength of these marriages...as men and women encounter the depth and breadth of Jesus' love for them, deep wounds are healed. Each one may come into the commitment a little more whole with a greater freedom to simply love and be loved.

How much clearer an image it would reflect to a lost world of Christ and His Bride(us) as mature men and women unite in love and invite others into it (kids, friends, families, co-workers). Imperfect for sure, but somehow more settled into the imperfect, grace-filled life of loving someone enough to stay in it for the long haul.

And, to me, if this is even a hint of what might be happening, well then, it's been well worth the wait.

To men, fathers and fatherless, mentors and mentees....and the God who is the author and redeemer of it all, HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

The Metaphor of Marriage

When I first started learning Soul Care from Patti I wasn't sure how couples would respond to me as a counselor who was single. I mean come on, even I might roll my eyes as a young doe-eyed woman began a monologue about the beauty, virtue, and splendor to the metaphor of marriage and how great it was they were seeking help in their marriage.

But ironically, Patti told me differently. "Susie I think because you hold up the image and standard, not jaded by the disappointment, you invite us to see it as Christ intended."

I had Patti to thank. Early on in my twenty-something spiritual formation, I was recovering from a broken heart and was left rather skeptical about how a union like this could ever work. It was then that Patti courageously invited me into "the metaphor of marriage."

What?

Susie, you have to first and foremost think of it in it's original context and ideal. Christ and the church. Husbands and wives in their union are to reflect that truth. It is only then that you can develop eyes to see what a husband and wife are struggling with in their marriage and what God is wanting to heal and reveal through them.

W O W !

She then began to paint the most beautiful picture of Jesus loving his church so much that he gives himself over to her again and again, for better or for worse. He loves to put her on display to celebrate her beauty, grace, and dignity. She blossoms in His Presence and people look-in wondering, "What's going on? I want that...How do I get it?" She joyfully comes under his tender strength and fierce love because she trusts him. He is always looking out for her best interest, coming alongside her shortcomings, and because of that special dignity she feels from him, she wants nothing more than to follow His ways and share in the adventure of life with him forever.

So are you like me? Did your heart weave in and out wondering whether I was talking about the church or marriage? And about mid-way, did you let out a deep sigh, wondering "When was the last time I experienced a marriage like that? Let alone came close in my marriage?"

When I first began to understand this, both the gift and crucible of marriage, all I wanted to do was marriage counseling. Because I think I got it...really got it!

Did these couples have any idea of the power and magnitude of healing that could be brought about through their love? Or worse, the devastation their bitterness and rejection of each other could cause?

Husbands.

Wives.

The reason your union has been assaulted from day one, is not because you are a failure, a mess of a christian, rather the enemy hates what you share and the image you bear! He uses every scrap of trash he can grab on, early on, to take you out. He hates love and he hates love that births life!

So what if spouses stopped seeing the other partner as the enemy and learned to fight for their spouses heart, as a reflection of Christ's love and his commitment? What if in the midst of all the tension, misunderstanding, woundedness, men and women began to speak words of life to one another? Guided each other into healing? Had the courage to ask others for help?

This is the gift John and Staci Eldredge have given us in Love & War.

Could there be a better title about marriage?

This is no news that I am fans, allies, comrades, whatever you want to call it of the Eldredges. I may not agree with every jot and tittle, but let's just say the very fact that they had the courage to sit down, pull up their sleeves, and offer the nitty gritty of their marriage, is reason enough for me to read it and want to learn from it. John and Staci are the kind of kingdom people who have helped me again and again stay the course (and prepare the course for marriage).

Not everyone gets a Patti Cepin who modeled, explained, and invited me into her own sacred crucible of marriage (to which, John and Patti, I am forever grateful). But I think a lot of you wish more couples, like the Cepins and Eldredges, would invite you in to learn from their marriage, if nothing less than to know you are not alone and there is hope.

Consider this my war cry for couples everywhere...Let's Start a Revolution. And like all Revolutions, it starts with the courage of the few... Why not gather a group of couples with open hearts (which almost always means broken hearts) and begin to journey together reading Love & War, letting it stew in your hearts, togather stand against the enemy's schemes, and go kick some kingdom butt together!

I can't help but wonder how the face of 21st century Christianity would be turned upside down!?!?

Mentoring Project Part II: Restoring Femininity to Call Forth Masculinity

Donald Miller began the Mentoring Project as a response to the masculinity crises he and countless others agree is happening in our nation.

The Mentoring Project seeks to respond to the American crisis of fatherlessness by inspiring and equipping faith communities to mentor fatherless boys.

It's gotten national attention from President Barack Obama and his team. I get giddy when I hear of programs such as Donald's, John Eldredge's, and others who are stepping in the gap, believing an entire generation of boys and men can be renamed, restored, and rebuilt. It all starts by one man courageously believing he has something to offer another. And not just thinking about it. Doing it! (Men who mentor only become stronger and assured of who they are and what they bring to the world).

This project and other's like it, reenforce a question I have quietly talked to others about for years. How is the crisis in masculinity affecting women and reenforcing our own negative femininity issues?

I call it "The Silent Epidemic."

I've wondered if part of my observations and frustrations in ministry, dating relationships, counseling, and leadership were somewhat due to the bad fruit emerging from the fatherless epidemic. Not just abandoned boys who lacked a father figure, but adult men who grew up lacking true connection with their fathers. The initiation they were intended to receive from their fathers.

And if this was true....was I coming alongside these men as a beacon of hope believing there was more to their life than they saw and were offering OR resigning myself to hopelessness and instead compensating for what I saw a lack of?

YIKES!

Which made me suspect, how many women, like myself, were pretending to be strong and 'use their gifts' only to be covering over their quiet, unspoken fear that no man was strong enough to handle them, they were alone in leadership, and they better rise to the occasion or no one else will?

Many of us live in fear and shame of our femininity and innate need for strength. So instead of living in the tension being a woman assumes, we seek to become self sufficient, independent, and "strong" (which often leads to taking on way more than we can handle or were intended to. We become superwomen letting NO ONE penetrate our impenitratable walls, and we feel a weird mix of liberation and shame if they do).

I know, some of you are not even listening now because your theological and experiential paradigms are having a boxing match with what I've just shared. But rather than react, take a moment to sit with it. Let the Queen Mary, that many of us carry so heavily on our shoulders, drop. Now sit with some of your deepest longings. How you wish your father, significant other, ministry leaders, friends would of handled your heart?

If it wasn't for the Donald Millers and John Eldgredges of the faith pioneering the trail, I would have pretended something wasn't "off." I also would have stayed a "strong, independent, afraid little girl" instead of "a strong, interdependent, free woman." In acknowledging the damage and impact of a Fatherless Generation my heart has only opened to greater compassion, concern, and desire for restoration in both sexes.

I know now, I cannot and should not try to "fix" a guy (ministry partner, leader, friend, significant other). Masculinity gives rise to masculinity. And boys are initiated to manhood only through the love and camaraderie of another man. However, what is my role in honoring and calling forth the goodness of men?

Let me give an example.

Early on in my ministry, God had to Father me in what it meant to honor a man (and not compensate for him). I noticed as a twenty-something young leader that when a male leader I worked with stayed quiet or didn't step into an important team situation, I reacted. Rather than sit in the silence, and walk down the tumultuous feelings this was bringing up in me as the co-leader, I would jump in and take over. Slowing it down: I quietly resigned in my heart he wasn't going to do anything (honestly it took two nano-seconds) and quickly jumped in navigating waters that were uncomfortable, felt too much, and perhaps weren't for me to be swimming alone in the first place.

Over time the Father stepped in....Beloved, honor Him. Sit in the discomfort of his silence. You only add to his defeat when you take over. And it only reenforces the lie you are not worth being taken care of.

What??? I'm just helping. But whose gonna step in? Who's gonna do something? (this paradigm shift of truth rocked my safe, inner world!). My Father called me out! What I wanted to do was ignore the guy's passivity, compensate for what was lacking (ignoring my needs), and make uncomfortable feelings and situations go away.

I think a lot of women do this. I know because I've talked to you. It's feels vulnerable enough being a woman, and it takes a lot to be a woman leader, but we fear the tenderness required when we must depend on the Lord to defend, advocate, and protect us in His way through His processes. Then it's even harder to believe He will speak to the man involved (fill in the blank: spouse, significant other, co-leader, etc.) and keep hope alive that something might change.

But to honor a man, I believe we must sometimes sit in the silence and the cost of passivity. We can offer the impact of his action or inaction, but must still love him through the process. We reflect to Him the quiet, tender, nurturing strength of God that He bestows on us as we walk this out. This I believe is intended to arouse a man to love, wholeness, and good deeds (in a way only your feminine heart can). It says, "I know you have what it takes!" We then pray, ask for the Lord's eyes to see him, and abide in the process that as the Lord protects and meets us in our heart of hearts, He is doing the same in his, reminding him he has what it takes and changing him from the inside-out!

So here's to the Mentoring Project Part II. Because we all play a part, and God loves us way too much to keep us there!

p.s. oops... the elephant image is from the mentoring project (click here for the story) this is my pink version, for Part II (o;

Making Room for the Masculine

I sat down, nestled in my cozy couch, ready to kick back and relax to a decorating show on HGtv. The gal featured was a thirty-something homeowner looking to make a change in her inherited, fixer-upper home.

Genevieve, the designer, listened patiently and intently to some of her design ideas and preferences.


I began to sense her apprehension, "You describe a very girly, feminine decor. That's fine but where are you going to make room for the masculine?"

SHOOT

Me!

Where are you going to make room for the MASCULINE?

What happened to my wind-down, mindless decorating show?


How was I making room for him? What did I do with my free time? Where did I create space within for pursuit instead of protecting myself from rejection?

I watched as the story unfolded.


The surface design of the home involved changes in couches, paint color, curtains, textures, and art but the deeper layers revealed:

OPENING UP TO HOPE

BELIEVING THE STORY IS STILL UNFOLDING

CREATING S P A C E WITHIN & WITHOUT.

for HIM.

It was like Surround Sound was turned up in a way only the Holy Spirit can and I heard it...


"Make space."


Fast forward a few months. Not a whole lot has changed but little by little space is being made.


Since the new year, the image of a MOOSE has shown up more than once and I wonder, "What in the heck is this?" Normally I wouldn't give it a second thought, but remember I had just heard the above so my ears were in Holy Spirit High Surveillance mode.


I know, I know. When you get something in your head, it sticks and you begin to see it everywhere. Yea, at times this is true. But what was I supposed to do with this?


I get home and begin opening up to my roommate, Tanya, about this strange "moose" phenomena.


"Tan, I feel crazy. A moose?"


"Well then..." (A wide grin sprouts on that beautiful face).


"THIS MUST BE FOR YOU!"


She begins to slowly pull a card out of her purse she just found. Turns it around and....

There he was...


Weeks later, I'm still making room.


BEFORE:

IN PROCESS:

I'm under-construction:


Being the BEAUTY


O P E N I N G MYSELF UP


Presenting the gift...ME!




As the show came to a close, I watched the single gal trying to hold back her quiet fear but giddy expectancy...

Waiting for the "reveal"

It...

was....

beautiful....

A new, reformed, better than before, interior design.

Perfectly made for 1 2!