Monday, May 31, 2010

The Uncomfortable S P A C E of Loneliness

Some days I just feel lonely.

And then I'm left wondering....

Is this chosen loneliness? (the kind that is self sabotaging, where I am not reaching out and receiving the love that is already around me, or where I just need to go do something, get out, and be with people).


Is it legit loneliness (the kind everyone of us feels that is good, that draws our heart back, reminds us we're not home yet, and the s p a c e reminds us solitude can be a beautiful place, quieting us to hear God's words)

But my quandary is which am I in?

(What is more sad is I want to figure it out rather than just feel what I'm feeling).

I would hate to be in an unnecessary loneliness.

Do you ever fear that something is "off" with you and somehow you missed the boat to "life?"

I do.

On days like these. (well not all day, but right now in this very moment)

I used to try to distract myself from it. Pretend it wasn't there.

A wise woman (actually many wise people) have helped me see it isn't something to run from, but step into.

Whatever type of loneliness I'm in...the Lord wants to meet there.

So why do I have such a hard time embracing it and not beating myself up over it.

"Susie, it's because you don't reach out enough?"

"You aren't enough so people just aren't interested."

"Susie, you are just too much for people. You're overwhelming so they all flea. See that's why you're still single, no ones telling you why you're alone."

Welcome to my private warfare.

Sadly, this is where loneliness can take me...

If I let it.

But, if I open up and create some heart S P A C E I become more aware, like right now. As I'm writing I'm singing along to an old song Pandora is playing, my ears perk, then my heart warms... (smile)

I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have's come true
And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me ("I Could Not Ask for More" Edwin McCain)

And this is how Jesus stuns me, each and every time. Where the Romance catches me off guard. (And now you have been invited into it, I didn't know this is where the blog would go?)

He sees.

He really sees.

And regardless of the reason that I'm feeling lonely.

He meets me.

Meets you.


Anonymous said...

Hang in there... Life's a roller coaster. LOL

Tiff said...

Oh, I like this, Suz. Although I wish I was there so we could just hang out and talk. I'd love that. And I love you. Thanks for your wise and tender words.

Amber said...

This reminds me of a poem I wrote several years ago, on a day when I felt much like what you were feeling at the beginning of this blog.

My solitude keeps me sane
Time to reflect on my loss, my gain.
It takes me to a new level of existence
Required for me to grow
In order for me to show
The world
Who I am.

At the time, I wasn't living a life for Christ, but now I read this and see that part is true, but as you said, those times of solitude are the opportunities for me to realize that Jesus is wanting to meet me there. He wants to meet me there, and remind me of who I am in Him, and to renew me so that I can show the world Who He is.

I love the Romance, the surprises, and all those sweet little notes He leaves us in obscure places. Thanks for letting us see Him draw you into His arms!