Some days I just feel lonely.
And then I'm left wondering....
Is this chosen loneliness? (the kind that is self sabotaging, where I am not reaching out and receiving the love that is already around me, or where I just need to go do something, get out, and be with people).
Is it legit loneliness (the kind everyone of us feels that is good, that draws our heart back, reminds us we're not home yet, and the s p a c e reminds us solitude can be a beautiful place, quieting us to hear God's words)
But my quandary is which am I in?
(What is more sad is I want to figure it out rather than just feel what I'm feeling).
I would hate to be in an unnecessary loneliness.
Do you ever fear that something is "off" with you and somehow you missed the boat to "life?"
On days like these. (well not all day, but right now in this very moment)
I used to try to distract myself from it. Pretend it wasn't there.
A wise woman (actually many wise people) have helped me see it isn't something to run from, but step into.
Whatever type of loneliness I'm in...the Lord wants to meet there.
So why do I have such a hard time embracing it and not beating myself up over it.
"Susie, it's because you don't reach out enough?"
"You aren't enough so people just aren't interested."
"Susie, you are just too much for people. You're overwhelming so they all flea. See that's why you're still single, no ones telling you why you're alone."
Welcome to my private warfare.
Sadly, this is where loneliness can take me...
If I let it.
But, if I open up and create some heart S P A C E I become more aware, like right now. As I'm writing I'm singing along to an old song Pandora is playing, my ears perk, then my heart warms... (smile)