The Father's Day Blog I Didn't at First Want to Write (but did anyway)

I've felt a blog brewing in me but haven't wanted to write it. It's because it involves being single. I don't want to be "the singleness blogger." But there are things to be said, wrestled with, and embraced and so I guess, for now, I'm your gal. (Well, for today and the topic...smile.)

This weekend we celebrate Father's Day.

I love my dad. After last weeks scare (48 hours in the hospital with intestinal problems), it only surfaced all the more my ever-growing love for my Dad: His strength, consistency, presence, provision, advice, humor, warm heart, 'live it up' way of life and love, and how he has impacted my life in so, so many ways.

Which is why, on weeks like these, I wonder, "What must it be like not to have a Dad?"

To grow up without an everyday masculine presence? Did you know that a man, by his mere 'being' has impact. What I mean by this is, a man by his very presence in the room changes things.

Truly.

There was actually a study (which I wish I could remember to site) that showed the impact of a man's physical presence or lack thereof in a little girl's life and how on a biological level it influenced her hormonal balance.

Seriously.

Men, your presence matters!

Fathers, your physical presence (let alone your psychological and emotional presence) has impact.

So what does this have to do with singleness? How do the two issues go hand in hand? Well, it's got me wondering. . .

How does the lack of a father's mere presence growing up (let alone relational and emotional support) effect men's ability to pursue good women these days? How do their internal demons and insecurities related to being fatherless effect the way they are able to pursue, believing they have something good to offer us?

Now I know there are a myriad of reasons for why folks are still single. And it's not just fatherlessness. But I have to wonder if this isn't a significant part of the reason for the vast singleness were experiencing in my generation, the former and the prior?

I know so many outstanding, rather stunning, godly women who are waiting, praying, and left just a little bewildered as to why they aren't getting asked out and pursued more.

What I'm left wondering, as I watch this play out in my own life and the lives of many others, is if this is another symptom of the Masculinity Crisis?

Maybe I'm just trying to make sense of it all and put together the mixxed puzzle pieces that is my dating life?

However reality is, there is an entire generation of fatherless men who have not seen pursuit, commitment, responsibility let alone experienced it being called forth in them. So why wouldn't it follow that some are left rather mystified as to how they would ever pursue let alone commit to a woman they thought "too good for me"?

Which is why I'd like to dedicate this post to all you mentors out there. Those who are fathering the fatherless and calling forth boys to become men.

I believe you are:

CHANGING THE STORY.

SHIFTING THE CLIMATE.

RESTORING THE PAST.

BUILDING A NEW FUTURE.

INFLUENCING GENERATIONS.

The story is being rewritten...

It may not feel like it every day or each meeting, but you are modeling H O P E that their stories can be rewritten and that there is a Father who's Presence changes things, everything.

And because I believe God is in the business of rewriting stories and redeeming things, the very worst things, I'm left wondering how he wants to show us the truths of "Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven" as it relates to these current issues?

What if God is turning it around?

The wicked ways the enemy has attacked marriage and the family.

The lies the enemy has ingrained in fatherless children's hearts and the father's who left them.

What if he restores things?

Really makes beauty from ashes.

Infuses his life, healing, and hope into these little boys and young men's hearts?

What if he uses older men to "retell" young men their stories? Which makes them feel differently about where they've been, who they are, and where they will go?

And while healing takes time and strong men may be emerging a little later in life, truth is this may be the very thing that changes the face of the family in the 21st century.

Think of the depth and strength of these marriages...as men and women encounter the depth and breadth of Jesus' love for them, deep wounds are healed. Each one may come into the commitment a little more whole with a greater freedom to simply love and be loved.

How much clearer an image it would reflect to a lost world of Christ and His Bride(us) as mature men and women unite in love and invite others into it (kids, friends, families, co-workers). Imperfect for sure, but somehow more settled into the imperfect, grace-filled life of loving someone enough to stay in it for the long haul.

And, to me, if this is even a hint of what might be happening, well then, it's been well worth the wait.

To men, fathers and fatherless, mentors and mentees....and the God who is the author and redeemer of it all, HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

Mentoring Project Part II: Restoring Femininity to Call Forth Masculinity

Donald Miller began the Mentoring Project as a response to the masculinity crises he and countless others agree is happening in our nation.

The Mentoring Project seeks to respond to the American crisis of fatherlessness by inspiring and equipping faith communities to mentor fatherless boys.

It's gotten national attention from President Barack Obama and his team. I get giddy when I hear of programs such as Donald's, John Eldredge's, and others who are stepping in the gap, believing an entire generation of boys and men can be renamed, restored, and rebuilt. It all starts by one man courageously believing he has something to offer another. And not just thinking about it. Doing it! (Men who mentor only become stronger and assured of who they are and what they bring to the world).

This project and other's like it, reenforce a question I have quietly talked to others about for years. How is the crisis in masculinity affecting women and reenforcing our own negative femininity issues?

I call it "The Silent Epidemic."

I've wondered if part of my observations and frustrations in ministry, dating relationships, counseling, and leadership were somewhat due to the bad fruit emerging from the fatherless epidemic. Not just abandoned boys who lacked a father figure, but adult men who grew up lacking true connection with their fathers. The initiation they were intended to receive from their fathers.

And if this was true....was I coming alongside these men as a beacon of hope believing there was more to their life than they saw and were offering OR resigning myself to hopelessness and instead compensating for what I saw a lack of?

YIKES!

Which made me suspect, how many women, like myself, were pretending to be strong and 'use their gifts' only to be covering over their quiet, unspoken fear that no man was strong enough to handle them, they were alone in leadership, and they better rise to the occasion or no one else will?

Many of us live in fear and shame of our femininity and innate need for strength. So instead of living in the tension being a woman assumes, we seek to become self sufficient, independent, and "strong" (which often leads to taking on way more than we can handle or were intended to. We become superwomen letting NO ONE penetrate our impenitratable walls, and we feel a weird mix of liberation and shame if they do).

I know, some of you are not even listening now because your theological and experiential paradigms are having a boxing match with what I've just shared. But rather than react, take a moment to sit with it. Let the Queen Mary, that many of us carry so heavily on our shoulders, drop. Now sit with some of your deepest longings. How you wish your father, significant other, ministry leaders, friends would of handled your heart?

If it wasn't for the Donald Millers and John Eldgredges of the faith pioneering the trail, I would have pretended something wasn't "off." I also would have stayed a "strong, independent, afraid little girl" instead of "a strong, interdependent, free woman." In acknowledging the damage and impact of a Fatherless Generation my heart has only opened to greater compassion, concern, and desire for restoration in both sexes.

I know now, I cannot and should not try to "fix" a guy (ministry partner, leader, friend, significant other). Masculinity gives rise to masculinity. And boys are initiated to manhood only through the love and camaraderie of another man. However, what is my role in honoring and calling forth the goodness of men?

Let me give an example.

Early on in my ministry, God had to Father me in what it meant to honor a man (and not compensate for him). I noticed as a twenty-something young leader that when a male leader I worked with stayed quiet or didn't step into an important team situation, I reacted. Rather than sit in the silence, and walk down the tumultuous feelings this was bringing up in me as the co-leader, I would jump in and take over. Slowing it down: I quietly resigned in my heart he wasn't going to do anything (honestly it took two nano-seconds) and quickly jumped in navigating waters that were uncomfortable, felt too much, and perhaps weren't for me to be swimming alone in the first place.

Over time the Father stepped in....Beloved, honor Him. Sit in the discomfort of his silence. You only add to his defeat when you take over. And it only reenforces the lie you are not worth being taken care of.

What??? I'm just helping. But whose gonna step in? Who's gonna do something? (this paradigm shift of truth rocked my safe, inner world!). My Father called me out! What I wanted to do was ignore the guy's passivity, compensate for what was lacking (ignoring my needs), and make uncomfortable feelings and situations go away.

I think a lot of women do this. I know because I've talked to you. It's feels vulnerable enough being a woman, and it takes a lot to be a woman leader, but we fear the tenderness required when we must depend on the Lord to defend, advocate, and protect us in His way through His processes. Then it's even harder to believe He will speak to the man involved (fill in the blank: spouse, significant other, co-leader, etc.) and keep hope alive that something might change.

But to honor a man, I believe we must sometimes sit in the silence and the cost of passivity. We can offer the impact of his action or inaction, but must still love him through the process. We reflect to Him the quiet, tender, nurturing strength of God that He bestows on us as we walk this out. This I believe is intended to arouse a man to love, wholeness, and good deeds (in a way only your feminine heart can). It says, "I know you have what it takes!" We then pray, ask for the Lord's eyes to see him, and abide in the process that as the Lord protects and meets us in our heart of hearts, He is doing the same in his, reminding him he has what it takes and changing him from the inside-out!

So here's to the Mentoring Project Part II. Because we all play a part, and God loves us way too much to keep us there!

p.s. oops... the elephant image is from the mentoring project (click here for the story) this is my pink version, for Part II (o;