It rumbles about within. This unsettled place. Not yet named, not yet known only pulsing through my soul disrupting, slushing, and swooshing about.
I want it to go away. I want to understand it. Learn from it. Then move on from it. For to stay, well to stay means to settle into unknowing. And I guess I'd rather know the lines and rules then wait and settle into the tensions. I'd rather "get it" and move on than lean into it and let whatever "it" is be revealed.
But fear must be uncovered for love to make it's way in.
But isn't it hard? I don't know how to be, how to live and grow into the questions? Maybe because I'm not really sure I'll be met in them. I feel wobbly and in need. The old Susie wants to get her act together and find the answer, the new Susie, the one in who Christ dwells, is learning that to be unsettled is part of faith, to bring my questions and tensions roaming about into my shared-in life with God and His people.
It all feels so human! And truth be known, I don't often give myself much grace in that humanness. Funny how God has so much grace and compassion for everyone else but when it comes to me, the unsettled place within doesn't know very well how to receive it.
For to receive it means to lift my head.
To receive it means to soften, laugh at myself, and receive the grace being held out before me.
To receive it means to humble myself to accept that I am a life long learner not someone who's arrived or is expected to have.
Ah, this life of learning. Ah, this life of what's up is down, and down is up. Ah, this grace that blankets and holds and extends itself wider and yet still wider the more and more I let myself be received.
Oh this J e s u s, who has captivated my heart and transfixed me with his gaze. He takes my old, soul buckling yoke and lifts it. Carries it. Untethers it.
And in the release comes the l i f e. With permission to be in process, comes the courage to move out. Move out in new territory, unchartered terrain, trusting the One who has lead me this far will not lead me astray.
Jesus is that good, his gospel that liberating....