Thursday, March 25, 2010
5 years ago I found myself in this very place. To ween or not to ween, that is the question.
Ever since my early 20s I have struggled with depression/anxiety. My mom says my junior high and high school teachers would be shocked to know that the young girl that was "the most well rounded and voted best personality" has depression. If only personality and well roundedness had anything to do with chemical depression.
Depression and anxiety is a rather mysterious struggle-- biology, genes, hormones, family history, stress, environment, foods...the list goes on and on with factors related to it. I thank GOD for the gift of meds that can balance out unbalanced brain chemistry.
I don't pretend to understand it all. In fact, what's gotten me in trouble over the years with this particular issue is my demand to know and fully understand what's going on.
Last time I tried to ween off my meds I started off doing just fine.
The first week. GREAT!
Week 2. Going strong.
Week 5. Hormone upload (hubby please)
Week 10. Crying watching a surfing film (?)
Week 12. Friend intervention.
Where did our Susie go?
Well my hope of my brain serotonin "replenishing and relearning it's proper levels" were dashed.
Meds. Welcome back.
But here's the deal. God didn't reveal "a lack of faith by depending on medicine and not Him"
Nor did he expose my "anxiety as sin."
Rather, He surfaced my discomfort with mystery. How uncomfortable I am when I don't understand what's going on.
When did "knowing" become trusting?
Five years later. Here we are again.
And the journey of trusting continues.
This time I want to see if things may be different.
If my levels have changed.
If the extra body weight will now come off.
If my mind will stay sound and calm
But today I felt....
C l u m s y.
Mmmm.....time will tell and we shall see.?
So I'm waiting, taking it day by day.
And this time round, I will learn more.
And perhaps be a sassy, spitfire in-between.
And He still loves me.