Thursday, March 25, 2010






5 years ago I found myself in this very place. To ween or not to ween, that is the question.

Back up.

Ever since my early 20s I have struggled with depression/anxiety. My mom says my junior high and high school teachers would be shocked to know that the young girl that was "the most well rounded and voted best personality" has depression. If only personality and well roundedness had anything to do with chemical depression.

Depression and anxiety is a rather mysterious struggle-- biology, genes, hormones, family history, stress, environment, foods...the list goes on and on with factors related to it. I thank GOD for the gift of meds that can balance out unbalanced brain chemistry.

I don't pretend to understand it all. In fact, what's gotten me in trouble over the years with this particular issue is my demand to know and fully understand what's going on.

Last time I tried to ween off my meds I started off doing just fine.

The first week. GREAT!
Week 2. Going strong.
Week 5. Hormone upload (hubby please)
Week 10. Crying watching a surfing film (?)
Week 12. Friend intervention.
Where did our Susie go?

Well my hope of my brain serotonin "replenishing and relearning it's proper levels" were dashed.

Meds. Welcome back.

But here's the deal. God didn't reveal "a lack of faith by depending on medicine and not Him"

Nor did he expose my "anxiety as sin."

Rather, He surfaced my discomfort with mystery. How uncomfortable I am when I don't understand what's going on.

When did "knowing" become trusting?

Five years later. Here we are again.

30mg every-other-day

And the journey of trusting continues.

This time I want to see if things may be different.

If my levels have changed.

If the extra body weight will now come off.

If my mind will stay sound and calm

But today I felt....
C l u m s y.

Mmmm.....time will tell and we shall see.?

So I'm waiting, taking it day by day.

And this time round, I will learn more.

Grow more.

Trust more.

And perhaps be a sassy, spitfire in-between.

And He still loves me.


Jasmine said...

Hey suz, I admire you so much for writing about this with such honesty. You are an inspiration for those who are too scared to even admit something could be wrong with them and instead of seeking help they pretend they are fine. I know how you feel about wishing you could get off the medication. Sometimes I forget because I am doing fine and a week later I feel like something is almost invading my body and there is a weird energy inside of me and I am extermely irritable and negative and I have to take my meds again. It sucks but I don't know what else to do. Keep me updated. Love you girl!

Linda said...

That's tough Susie! One thing I learned is that if I'm gonna dive in head first, I better make sure the water is deep enough so I don't smash my head on the bottom.
Meaning - "What do you have in place to replace the meds?" vitamins? massage (pick me!lol)? gym membership, acupuncture, support system on call?
Glad I found prayers.

Anonymous said...

Keep balancing... LOL

Susie said...

Thanks Gals for the encouragement. Linda I miss you! I have some friends in place and am making sure to exercise, i would love a massage but simply don;t have the funds (only living off sbux right now until soul care gets going). i am keeping a symptoms journal and next week gonna evaluate. thanks for thoughts. pray i get some more money to have wiggle room with this kind of 'self care'